Saving your Love

Ah the beauty of the married life! “Over the past year or two, we have been going through a rough patch. I love him very much but all these routine problems of life started to get on top of us. Arguments blowing out of nothing, word after word, and before you know it, we are two opposing parties rather than a unit.” Sounds familiar?

In the beginning

When people are dating all their energy goes towards finding things in common, the things you like or finding cute. You concentrate on his handsome smile, his sense of humor. He cooks for you for the first time and gets the kitchen in the state of a war zone: grease, spills, and dirty dishes everywhere. You look at these all and you think: “Ah, isn’t he adorable! He even knows how to cook!”

So what becomes different in 7-10 years’ time?

The first crisis comes when you start living together. This is when you notice your energy starting to deviate towards finding differences and dislikes rather than things in common. That could be lifestyle, upbringing, life perspective and – most importantly – habits.

Years go by, and both of you keep “practising” to notice what you don’t like about each other, what annoys you. It becomes the main focus of attention. You have now programmed yourself to respond with frustration, anger and resentment to the majority of everyday situations. Other areas of your life together (affection, sweet talks about nothing, sex) start to fall out of the picture.

Your thoughts and feelings now sound like:

-          I can’t stand this any more!

-          I’m better off to be by myself!

-          Life is completely out of order!

-         Where to next?

The reality of life is like a snowball, rolling… and all the stress, money problems, ethical disagreements are growing fast around the heart of our love and affection.

And so hence is the question: where to next?

The rest of this article is written for those who still love their partner and who wants to save the relationship.

I would like to introduce you to the term ‘logotherapy’. It is a psychiatric theory which was founded by Viktor Frankl, a Jewish psychiatrist who was imprisoned by Nazis during the WWII. When he had nothing left, all his family being destroyed in concentration camps, alone and severely beaten, he started to become aware of one thing: no one can rob him of the right to decide within himself how it would all affect him. He had the power to choose his own responses.

Logotherapy is a term derived from “logos,” a Greek word that translates as “meaning”, “knowledge” and therapy. Logotherapy is prompting you to stop thinking ‘Everything is sh…!’ ‘There’s no way out!’ It’s helping you to save what good you still have left, through choosing your attitudes and responses. Through the awareness of what ‘bad’ or ‘unwanted’ is developing and is about to blow out of control (another argument..), and through realising it and pretty much ‘calculating’ your approach to it.

It is not easy, I can tell you. Years of resentment and frustration towards your partner is a habit that had developed over time. Like any bad habit, it will take time to overcome it.

So here is a challenge. Over the next month try to pre-analyse your responses when going through difficult and unpleasant situations and talks. My own experience tells me it is much easier and natural to react rather than respond thoughtfully.

This simple chart will help you understand the cycle and how to break it.

Here is to keeping peace with your loved ones! Go, get back to that person you once started dating and found so amazing! And by all means, do use the same approach with your parents and kids.

Book your 1 week coaching and get the answers to your problems here

9 thoughts that will change your life perspective

Sometimes it feels like there is no tomorrow. You are in the darkness of today and nothing is going to change… not tomorrow, not in a month’s time, not in a life-time. Do you know that feeling?

What can make you smile, take it easier? Only your own thoughts. Especially for you, I have written this article which is called ‘9 thoughts that will change your life perspective’.

Even if everything is absolutely perfect in your life at present, it is not a bad idea to be prepared and know exactly what to think and do when your mood will plummet down against your expectations..  So don’t just read but try to implement it into your life. Remember that 'knowledge' is not you have heard somewhere, at some stage, but rather what you have experienced when you applied it into your real life.

1. Everything that happens to you is helping you to grow and become better and wiser. Even if it is not really noticeable.

Life and circumstances will always be changing you. Sometimes it happens abruptly and just swamps you off your feet. You might wonder: what else on earth can happen? You might feel that all your dreams and achievements have been crushed, and now you are like in a black hole. You want to run away from it all, but you can’t. It is hard to imagine that these problems are changing you for the better. The truth is: often, in order to achieve something better you will need to go through the worse. To start a better, new life you would need to get over your old one, completely and utterly. And then leave it behind. When you face difficulties you open up to a new potential that WILL help you to sort out things in your life.

2. People and opportunities come and go.

We all change over time. You are not the same as you were a few years ago. As a result of it, your preferences, desires, demands and life perspective change, too. That affects the way you react to certain people and situations. Losing a friend/partner/job can be stressful and painful. You might notice you’re asking yourself one question: WHY??? …..But give yourself the luxury of allowing changes in your life. Nothing is fully stable and permanent. Whatever happens to you, happens for a reason. There is probably something better waiting around the corner!

3. Changes are unavoidable.

Change is good. Growth is good. Even though it can be quite painful. Believe me, the biggest pain in your life is only when it all stalls, and nothing else happens. And nothing else matters, everything is exactly as it was a few years ago. Those are the warning bells. We, as human beings, are rather unique: our development comes with change. So start taking these changes as your progress, rather than your pain.

4. Bitching about…

Excuse my French… but this is exactly what it is. Things are not the way you want them to be, and what do you do? You bitch about it, you moan, you complain. Discussions with your friends/colleagues/family members are regular and never ending. But do they get you anywhere? Only actions will get you where you want to be or at least will put you on the right path towards fixing things. So instead of putting yourself in the position of a constant moaner, perhaps it’s time to take the first actual step towards resolving the situation?

5. Your piece of mind depends on your way of thinking.

When you fail to have a flexible life perspective, possibly a more positive one, you put yourself into a continuous cycle of doubt, anxiety, fear and disappointment. Your thinking is a battlefield between your good and bad thoughts, ideas and beliefs. Take a bit of extra effort and allow clean and happy thoughts into your heart and you will feel fresh and more motivation within.

6. You have a natural talent to change someone else’s life.

You were blessed with an ability to feel kindness, compassion and forgiveness. These qualities were given to you so you can live a bigger and broader life, not just so you can live in your own little bubble. There is no need to try and change the world. Just bring some happiness into someone else’s life, and you will feel a great relief and an amazing feeling of accomplishment.

7. A bit of ‘me’ time.

I was told once that being a mother of three, a wife, and a business woman I tend to forget about myself, that I don’t give myself enough of ‘me’ time. I disagreed: I have duties, responsibilities. Now I understand: more time for beloved me = happier family and a more productive business. Sounds too simple? Well, yes, life is actually pretty simple. There is no need to over-complicate it.

8. Every person you meet along the way is for a reason.

We meet different people along the way. Each one of them teaches us something. It might not be always obvious and immediately apparent what you gather from that person. It is something that you process over time. Maybe you were lucky to meet someone with amazing time management skills and everyday planning. Maybe you came across the kindest and sweetest person you’ve ever seen. Or perhaps your career path crossed with a selfish and arrogant person who was all wrapped up in KPIs (Key Performance Indicators) and who didn’t care about real people. In the end, you learn a lesson from each of these people and situations: you learn what to do – what not to do, and what kind of person you want to be.

9. You are not the only one who feels lonely and insecure.

The world is full of lonely and insecure people. Even those who are seemingly surrounded by a crowd of fans and friends could feel very lonely inside. Before any social scenarios and settings, we are first of all individuals (note: ‘individual’ – adjective which means ‘single’, ‘separate’). Everyone wants to be understood and accepted: those who play the role of a peacock and those who appear as a grey little mouse. Everyone has insecurities and dreams. Somewhere out there, there is a person who totally understands you and accepts you. This definitely makes you less lonely.

So go on, use these thoughts to find your perfect balance and change your way of thinking to make it better for yourself!

Yours,

Katya French  - Professional certified coach, choose your programme here: www.cherryblossomcoach.com