Some interesting things I've learnt in life

We find out new things every day. 

Sometimes you hear a phrase that is being repeated here and there throughout life. But it is only when you finally give it conscious thought, it starts to make sense, not just sound.

Here some ordinary thoughts that help me throughout each day:

1.    HAPPY. Even if you are not a naturally happy person, you can teach yourself to be happy. As long as you understand the principles that stand behind it.

2. I CAN TRAIN MYSELF. You can teach yourself pretty much everything: to be a charismatic person, be a people’s person, be disciplined etc. Just be sure you know what stands behind its meaning, and then fake it until you make it.

3. DON’T GIVE UP. You can change your life by being persistent and not giving up. Primitive but true!

4. GET UP AND DO THINGS. Most of the time, all it takes is getting your butt off that chair (couch, bed etc) and getting yourself OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE. Only that brings results.

5. I AM IN CONTROL. When you want something just act: pick up the phone, email, skype: write/call people, organize them around what you want and what you might need.

6. COLD HEARTED. Sometimes in business, well, in fact most of the time, it pays to be emotion-less: leave behind what you really want to say and just lay out the facts, bare facts, no emotions behind

7. GET THE FACTS RIGHT. It is good to disagree, but make sure you’ve got your facts and argument right

8. SHUT UP. A good marketing slogan: ‘Sometimes it’s better to chew than to talk’. Just shut up and let the other person vent! Stay in a safe position by not saying much where it is not needed or where your words can lead you into a further argument. And that takes me to another rule I have learnt recently.

9. GO QUIET. Stop replying to your enemy. You might disagree tremendously with what he/she says about you, but if you don’t come back with anything, your ‘enemy’ will be hung in the torturous mystery of the unresolved matter. They will be robbed of the "privilege" of knowing what's on your heart.

10. THERE ARE SOME CRAZY PEOPLE AROUND. There will always be someone who will criticize you and dislike what you do. Even if you are near perfect. Allow it, dismiss it from your life and carry on, your way. Don’t let anyone to upset you and don't let your self-respect drop.

11. MY 5-YEAR-OLD SON TAUGHT ME. People with true high self esteem are successful and loved by everybody: they don’t try to explain themselves, they don’t give excuses, they apologize with simplicity and sincerity. They win.

12. DISCIPLINE IS EVERYTHING! From the early years I hated discipline! My granddad talked about discipline every day. I thought he is just old and funny, talking about the same thing all the time. Now I understand that discipline is everything: it is your health, your ability to lead a happy life, your ability to learn and to progress, to influence others, and it is your passport to a better quality life!

13. THINGS WILL BE BETTER TOMORROW. The lucky 13th thought. Sometimes it feels like there is no tomorrow. Feeling down and it is hard to believe things might ever change for the better. I go to sleep early-ish and with the belief that tomorrow will bring me new feelings and experiences. Low feelings can’t stay forever. So back to point 1 of this list, with great hopes and belief! Don't give up, be in control, contain yourself, discipline yourself))

Should I leave?

Fighting to stand on your own two feet, breaking away from your ex-"better half"? There is always an easy and quick way because it is a way down. Don’t even need to do anything, just fold down your wings and fall. Falling, falling – and here is the rock bottom. There are no inner-battles there, feels good. By nature, this way is more approachable for us, the Law of Gravity works, you see. Free fall and ‘Ah, I wanted it so much!’  Yes, the euphoria of free fall cannot be compared with the difficulties of climbing up....

So you cannot go on like that anymore. You love him/her, sure, (or so you think) but it’s just not working out. In any “department”. But hold on, the bedroom department, is actually quite good… It is awesome! You haven’t lived under one roof or as a proper couple for over half a year. Every now and then you would get together because you are still used to each other and spend a steamy night. It all seems better after such night: problems kind of drift away and you are quietly whispering to yourself “See, you cannot live without me! Ha! Told ya!”

But before you know it, problems creep back in again. The magic of that “every now and then” night wears off and you feel that you are facing the same old disagreements and misunderstanding. Cold shoulder. And, to be completely honest, you cannot really stand his life approach. There are a lot of things that just annoy you about him: he spends way too much time with his mother, he is far from being romantic, he is just not the type of person you always dreamed about. He is not your type. But leaving him seems like an improbable venture. 

This is the moment when you need to take a time out of your love-emotions, sit down and think logically. Take a piece of paper and a pen if you need to see a clearer picture before your eyes. Paper can take everything, so start writing!

Write down all the ‘pros’ = handsome, clever, his salary and future career are promising, he is a good father to your child (if applicable), honest. OK, now the ‘cons’ = doesn’t give you enough attention, spends all the time either at work or with his mother, too scrupulous with money, you have children together but he still hasn’t proposed to you, even after 6 years together. I am giving you an example from my past but obviously everyone’s situation is different. You will have points on your list that are typical to your own situation.

Check out the Personality types online, for instance the 4 Birds Personalities..

Think: how you can press the right buttons with him? What is HIS language of love? For example for my ex-husband, the “language of love” was to be completely domesticated, to clean, cook, wash, scrub etc. And he would completely clam up and play deaf if I was asking him to go out with me: take me out for dinner or just take a walk through the city.

Are you prepared to talk his language of love and work for your relationship? Going through the analysis of different personality types, you might discover that you are totally prepared to change your ways for him and that your relationship is worth saving. Are you prepared to pay the price?

You might decide otherwise. You might decide to leave. Leaving a relationship is always difficult. You should be prepared to face not just financial and technical problems, but also lots of emotional stress. Most of the times, these are the simplest things: such as sitting down for a cup of tea in the evening and exchanging a few phrases or taking a stroll during the weekend; curling up together on the couch to watch a movie or giving your baby a bath together. 

You must be able to give yourself an honest answer: if I was to leave him, will I be able to overcome multiple spurs to get back with him? Weigh your situation: would you rather put up with his/her bad points and be with him/her no matter what OR start a fresh life without that person, where you will have to overcome your habits?

It took me 3 times to finally leave my ex- husband. I kept going back because it was an easier, more familiar life. Being without him meant being able to overcome difficulties by myself, alone. The desire to get back into my comfort zone was overwhelming. Even 5 months along after the final, 3rd split, my heart was looking for excuses to go back. But the logical mind kept saying: there is nothing to do there, you’ve tried enough times.

Sticking to my new independent life was hard but I knew that eventually I would become happier and my self-esteem would come back. I knew that eventually my heart would get in harmony with my mind. I just need to be strong and keep going.

There is, however, also a different way. An easy and quick way because it is a way down. Don’t even need to do anything, just fold down your wings and fall. Falling, falling – and here is the rock bottom. There are no inner-battles there, feels good. By nature, this way is more approachable for us, the Law of Gravity works, you see. Free fall and ‘Ah, I wanted it so much!’  Yes, the euphoria of free fall cannot be compared with the difficulties of climbing up. But if we do choose the free fall, what is waiting for us down there? Pain from hitting the bottom, disappointment and loss of self-esteem, as well as loss of respect of some people. Possibly even loss of HIS respect. Will he respect you coming back again and again? So if you did decide to leave him in the first place, stick to your decision and be a strong woman. Don’t fall.

We all have different situations. Make sure that whatever way you choose, you need to feel that your mind and heart are living in harmony.

Change!

These are the Chinese characters for Change.

The core of the first character represents the words: transform, rebel, revolt, flexible. While the core of the second character represents the words: make corrections, replace, experience.

So when you are going for a change in your life, keep in mind the following:

Rebel against these factors in order to transform and remember to be flexible

Ø  Loss of structure and security

Ø  Loss of self-confidence

Ø  Financial worries

Ø  Family stress

Ø  Feelings of rejection

Ø  Incapability with someone close to you

Ø  Bitter feelings about the past

Ø  Unhappiness with the present

Replace your life with these opportunities and treat your transformation as a positive experience

Ø  Define a new future

Ø  Re-establish confidence based on personal strengths

Ø  Freedom and flexibility in the use of time

Ø  See new possibilities in everything around you

Ø  Create new structure and security

Ø  Find new ways to meet people

Ø  Learn something new, every day

Ø  Renew a sense of purpose

Ø  Focus on a better future

To have a Dream...

Is it important to have a Dream? What if you don’t have a Dream at all, or maybe don’t have it any more?

I will be blunt: if there is no Dream, there is no particular interest or purpose in life. This could be very, very painful, mentally and physically.

Having a mere ‘purpose’ at home/family is one thing; having a Dream, something you are going for with all your might, is dramatically different.

I know one person who has a definite purpose in life – serving her family: she is a stay at home wife, she cleans, cooks, looks after her grown up son and her husband. By the way, the son and the husband have their lives and Dreams. They work and they study, and they know where they’re going. They come home to eat and sleep. 

She does not have any dreams, at all. Her life is empty and painful. Don’t get me wrong: she does enjoy serving her family. The problem is in a different area: no future, nothing to long for, beside the non-stop house duties. She does not have a job and she never will because out of her 40 years of life she worked only for 2 years. So the experience is simply not there. 

She has always been waiting for the right moment to start studying, to go back to work: but first she had to raise her child, then she had to look after her disabled mother, then she was too sad because her mother had passed away, and then it was too late because she turned 40 (!!!! Really? Is 40 too late?)  I will call this person Elaine.

There is another person whom I see at kids’ school every week. She is a young lady of approximately 30 years old. A few years ago, through a horrific car accident, she had lost the ability to talk, walk or look after herself. She was physically in pieces. Doctors have put her back together. For some period of time she didn’t have a luxury of expressing herself anymore, or walking around freely, or doing anything a typical 30-year-old would do. However, there was something extremely important that she managed to keep: belief in herself, desire for life, necessity to Dream. I would call this person Hannah.

Now, Elaine does not have any physical disabilities. She blames her upbringing for not being able to work, for not earning, for being bored and depressed, for not wanting anything in life. She explains that she is emotionally crippled by her mother who always would do things better, quicker. No matter how many times we talked about leaving the past behind, about becoming stronger and taking little steps towards richer (emotionally) life – the answer is always the same: ‘There is no way out’. She’s got no dream to go for, no desire to change.

Hannah has started slowly after her accident: she first realised what is important for her in life and why. It was extremely painful. In her wheelchair she would get into a junior school every week. Few months later - on crutches. Then walking by herself, with some help of her mother at times.

She trained her tongue again and again to speak, to roll again. She trained her brain by taking an initiative and helping the little kids to do their Maths and English. She would get very tired, it was not easy, let’s face it. But she always knew where she is heading to, and why. That is exactly what helped her to overcome lots of her pain and doubt. She had a dream of gaining her normal life back. She had the Dream. She still has it. She’s still going for it, strong.

The change – whatever you might desire in life – comes from within. It starts from realization: what do you want to achieve and why. You need to be able to look at yourself and your actions from a different perspective. Who are you? What are you capable of? Where are you today and why? What could be done today to start your change?

Design a plan for yourself: without a plan you simply won’t know where you are heading to. Then take small steps, which probably won’t be easy at first. But you will, surely, get through those little ‘obstacles’! You need to believe in yourself, and not to resort to typical and prosaic beating yourself up with something like “I’m useless, I won’t succeed, there is no point in trying.”

I have created an excellent plan how to make your Dream happen (if you have one, of course!). I will talk about it next week in my post.

Saving your Love

Ah the beauty of the married life! “Over the past year or two, we have been going through a rough patch. I love him very much but all these routine problems of life started to get on top of us. Arguments blowing out of nothing, word after word, and before you know it, we are two opposing parties rather than a unit.” Sounds familiar?

In the beginning

When people are dating all their energy goes towards finding things in common, the things you like or finding cute. You concentrate on his handsome smile, his sense of humor. He cooks for you for the first time and gets the kitchen in the state of a war zone: grease, spills, and dirty dishes everywhere. You look at these all and you think: “Ah, isn’t he adorable! He even knows how to cook!”

So what becomes different in 7-10 years’ time?

The first crisis comes when you start living together. This is when you notice your energy starting to deviate towards finding differences and dislikes rather than things in common. That could be lifestyle, upbringing, life perspective and – most importantly – habits.

Years go by, and both of you keep “practising” to notice what you don’t like about each other, what annoys you. It becomes the main focus of attention. You have now programmed yourself to respond with frustration, anger and resentment to the majority of everyday situations. Other areas of your life together (affection, sweet talks about nothing, sex) start to fall out of the picture.

Your thoughts and feelings now sound like:

-          I can’t stand this any more!

-          I’m better off to be by myself!

-          Life is completely out of order!

-         Where to next?

The reality of life is like a snowball, rolling… and all the stress, money problems, ethical disagreements are growing fast around the heart of our love and affection.

And so hence is the question: where to next?

The rest of this article is written for those who still love their partner and who wants to save the relationship.

I would like to introduce you to the term ‘logotherapy’. It is a psychiatric theory which was founded by Viktor Frankl, a Jewish psychiatrist who was imprisoned by Nazis during the WWII. When he had nothing left, all his family being destroyed in concentration camps, alone and severely beaten, he started to become aware of one thing: no one can rob him of the right to decide within himself how it would all affect him. He had the power to choose his own responses.

Logotherapy is a term derived from “logos,” a Greek word that translates as “meaning”, “knowledge” and therapy. Logotherapy is prompting you to stop thinking ‘Everything is sh…!’ ‘There’s no way out!’ It’s helping you to save what good you still have left, through choosing your attitudes and responses. Through the awareness of what ‘bad’ or ‘unwanted’ is developing and is about to blow out of control (another argument..), and through realising it and pretty much ‘calculating’ your approach to it.

It is not easy, I can tell you. Years of resentment and frustration towards your partner is a habit that had developed over time. Like any bad habit, it will take time to overcome it.

So here is a challenge. Over the next month try to pre-analyse your responses when going through difficult and unpleasant situations and talks. My own experience tells me it is much easier and natural to react rather than respond thoughtfully.

This simple chart will help you understand the cycle and how to break it.

Here is to keeping peace with your loved ones! Go, get back to that person you once started dating and found so amazing! And by all means, do use the same approach with your parents and kids.

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